Recently, I’ve discovered that I have this really terrible habit of assuming the worst in any given situation in relationships. I see something and immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. There’s no benefit of the doubt or rationalization. I’m sure you see why this is a problem. And recently, I’ve realized that really starts to bite you in the ass if you don’t learn how to control yourself.
So over these past few days I’ve been trying to figure out why I kind of suck at this. I think what it comes down to is that throughout my life, I’ve consistently been given shitty outcomes in relationships so the worst is all I really know. Let’s have story time, shall we?
It started in 8th grade with this kid I was incredibly smitten over. I was so weird and awkward in 8th grade (as if I’m not now, but that’s not the point) and he never saw me as anything other than that weird and awkward girl who was head over heels. I literally spoke like, 12 words to him that year because I was absolutely terrified to talk to him. And then he started dating this other girl and basically ripped my heart out and put it through a paper shredder. It sounds so petty and stupid because I was like, 13 years old and too shy to even look him in the eye, but that’s the story that started my incredible streak of bad luck with boys.
Sophomore year of high school. I’d been drooling over this guy for at least a year. I thought he was the most perfect human anyone could ever lay eyes on and most importantly, I never ever thought he’d even take the time to look at me. But one day, he did. I don’t even remember how it happened, but we eventually exchanged numbers and talked all day every day. He’d call me darling and tell me he wanted to see me and hang out with me and be around me. And then one day my world as my 15-year-old self knew it came crashing down when I finally woke up and figured out that he actually didn’t care about my feelings and had just been leading me on for the past few months. I was crushed. He was an asshole. He made fun of my affection for him and made me feel like I was the smallest person on this earth. It was pretty much one of the worst things a high school teenager has to go through.
One time I was with one of my best friends at my work and one of my coworkers who I had the worlds biggest crush on came to talk to us. After my friend and I left, he proceeded to text me asking me if my friend was single. This needs no explanation.
Then there was the one guy who has pretty much ruined all relationships for me ever. I used to write about my experiences with him quite a bit on this blog. The majority of the posts consisted about how depressed I was because he just made me feel like shit. I spent three years of my life waiting around for him and he took advantage of every single one of those 1,095 days. He knew he could keep me around if he toyed with me enough and I was always his backup plan when he was lonely. But to this day if you ask him if anything ever happened between us, he’ll say no. He’ll say I never mattered. He’ll say he never saw our relationship going anywhere. He’ll say he never cared about me. But let me be the first to tell you that’s not what he told me. To him, I was a joke. To me, he was everything I’d ever wanted. Every single outcome of every single situation I was put in with him was a negative one. He was so emotionally abusive I was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder the summer after I woke up enough to finally call it quits. So to this day I deal with the effects of that experience because depression isn’t something that just goes away. It sucks because there’s always going to be a part of him that’s with me. So I guess that means he kind of won.
I’ve almost always been screwed over and let down and essentially, shit on. So why on earth would I do anything but assume the worst? The worst is truly the only thing I’ve ever known.
But I think the important thing here is that I’m working on it. I know that I’m just going to push everyone away if I keep doing what I’m doing and never giving anyone a chance to talk it out. It’s a major flaw of mine. I’m 100% aware that I come off like a psycho when I freak out and jump to conclusions and no guy likes or wants that in a girl. But I’m working on it. I think the thing I need is someone to understand. I’ve been through a lot in my short 20 years on this earth and that last experience I discussed really did me in and put me through the ringer.
So dear future love interest,
Please don’t get frustrated with me when I immediately assume that you’ve lost all of your feelings for me. Please don’t hate me when I get so mad and don’t want to talk to you and say things that I probably don’t mean. Please don’t shut me out when I try to shut you out.
Please understand that the only thing I’ve ever known is the worst. Please consider that I’m not actually mad, I’m just incredibly terrified of losing you. Please realize I’m fragile and frankly, there’s not too much more I can take.
I’m working on it. I’m working on it.